unknown

 U N K N O W N

What would it be like to call someone dad,

I wouldn't know,

although there are missing fragments of what once was,

WAS really never imprinted due to the fact that the past has now passed on.

What would it be like to have a father to go to in times.

Does that make anyone ungrateful of not focusing on the blessings that are in front of them.

Many would say that,

 & some get that that's not how life works.

Like when you lose somebody

HEALING is what?

let me insert the definition of that

heal·ing

/ˈhēliNG/ 

noun

1. the process of making or becoming sound or healthy again.

   "the gift of healing"

adjective

1. tending to heal; therapeutic.

   "a healing experience

Similar: Alleviate, assuage, palliate, relieve, ameliorate, ease, help

Well there you see, what is healing to you.

I'm at the point that maybe, THIS IS BULLSHIT.

Once someone goes insane what's the rate of them going back to having sanity?

Exactly, that's my point. WE are NEVERRR going back to the same understanding, perception, Once we lose, Moving forward will always be devastating. Our heart is forever changed. 

 

I think not having a father,

And not claiming a father, I guess that part never really bothered me. 

As I am older now, I'm on the hype.. I've been seeing this trend, where like your Bio dad wasn't a good dad, & your mom gets a new guy and they like become the child's father. 

I couldn't help but think like I'm so glad that these kids, mainly daughters I see, They didn't like the change of some man coming in their life and caring for them as any father should but they eventually created a beautiful bond with these men that they now call dad. 

I am happy for them, And at the same time I wonder what it feels like. 

And at the same time I wonder if life would be different.

& at the same time.. I could of had my dad but what if he wasn't anything good. 

WELL you see that's the thing, That's why I don't have one, A Dad. =/ 

HE was never good. I'm a firm believer that if the man doesn't treat the mother right,

well mam he has nothing to offer the child but disrespect. 

SO we go back to healing. 

WELL this is it. ME helping MY DAMN SELF. 

I'm alleviating these horrible thoughts. 

That even brings us to thinking ,

Why ARE men so important..

like Girls who want love,

They say it stems from daddy issues.

WELL my only damn issue with my "DAD" is that I don't have one. 

But like I said M I S S I N G fragments. 

So at some point I got a taste of what MY dad was like. 

I was like a teen when I decided my dad sucked, & I wanted him in no part of my life. 

Here we are in 2025. 

HEALING, yep.. SOLD OUT.

I've taught myself how to be okay without a father, father figure. 

All the men in my life ended up to SHIT.

The real truth of them yeah,

So yeah who came up with the idea of wanting a two parent household?

or that children need a two parent household.

but wtf is that in 2025? 

LGBTQ community has two parent households, same sex couples, trans, I mean what's the statistic on that?

what does the future behold for children that grow up in those households?

HONESTLY, Its the same outcomes in any fuckin household. 

In life we are always looking for what's right,

what makes sense,

and also we are always trying to live like what society thinks is the norm. 

WELL you know. 

I'm currently providing a two parent household for my 3 sons that well,

IT RUNS IN THE FAMILY..

yeah no dad's around here. 

One is a narcissist abuser that I think realized he wasn't shit.  

the second is a drug addict. And what I've learned about that.. 

I wouldn't say an addict is a shitty person. But before the addiction was real.. 

He was already a shitty person, picking on a girl so vulnerable. 

9/10 I went back to the same dynamic of relationships or worse. 

After dealing with them.

HEALING, right back to that.

I mean I guess you do heal from stuff not really.

Maybe you get a better understanding for life. 

and you know I have been in therapy for years,

I think what I realize is that I settled, I settled when a new journey for me, just began.

But now I cannot go back in time. Plus honestly it's unnecessary to regret things. 

I've changed for the better,

And I've gone through a lot of loss.

In this relationship, I've realized and gone through a lot..

I've realized that I'm going through phases in life..

I'm finding myself yet I could have lost myself about two years ago,

lowkey I'm not sure what I'm doing at this point.

But I'm alive, and the UNKNOWN at this point is soo real.

Healing is putting things into perspective,

at the end of the day you still live..

now some people lose their sanity. 

My solution for the person who feels depressed

alone

scared

worried

freaked out

annoyed

betrayed

unappreciated,

 all the ugly feelings and all the negative words..

GET OUT , run as fast as you can. 

CUT ALL THE NEGATIVE SHIT OUT.

 

Healing is accepting life for what it is,

IT's not re-framing it.

YOU LITERALLY LIVE after the unthinkable. 

or you just spiral til you loose sanity.

Healing is a croc of shit. 

WELL, thanks for tuning in. 

 

 

CHAOS

 Sometimes it feels like chaos,

Reaching from my childhood,

It comes out in my motherhood.

I don’t really understand how one day I woke up sad, not knowing joy in forever time. 

Just madness.

How do I teach my kids to smile when tears fall down my face.

I can’t let time go to waste,

I wish I could go back copy & paste .

But I feel nothing more than a disgrace.

Its a heavy feeling..my mood,

Is always up & down .

If only somebody understood Me.

I think about the future feeling hopeful,

Pour positivity into me,

I pray for guidance,

Strength,

Most of all Love..

I wanna feel love,

I wanna love my babies,

Forever.

And it sometimes it just feels like chaos. 

Forgive me, motherhood isn’t easy. 

But the joys of yous,

When I say yous..

I mean you my sons.

You are my forevers,

I wouldn’t change motherhood,

If I could go back, I’d change my childhood.

Chaos chaos chaos why do you follow me.

You don’t belong here anymore. -$B.

This Life is for You & I.

I just wouldn't be me If I didn't write.

If your wondering,

I'm a lot quieter now.

Have you ever heard of the saying 

Life Humbles You..

Life got a funny way of saying things

and a painful way of showing em.

Have you second guessing,

What is your purpose here .

This place here

It's shown me I'm here to stay,

While I'm watching loved ones leaving,

I question how I'm still here

Never for a second do I take my life for granted .

Neither should YOU,

You still here,

There's still purpose here .

For ME, for YOU . .

Let's hang in there when everything feels wrong ,

Let's express how we feel,

miscommunication,

What is communication,

ALOT of thing left unsaid,

Got my stomach with guilt,

So many things I wish I said,

The things I could of said..

Would it have made a difference

Sometimes we will never get the answers to our questions,

That's when the world feels unaligned, 

Things don't make sense,

Once again just questioning life at this point..

This can't be the end,

even though death sits on the corner,

tears sit in my eyes,

My mind stays in a fog.

Disbelief if you ask me,

This world is chaotic, insensitive, so unhuman

I don't think I belong here but maybe YOU are what the world needs..

Have you ever fought for peace and your sanity.

Prayed up, despite it..

Have you ever prayed for this not to be what it is you see . 

Can't make this up, I cannot sugar coat it

Not make believe, This is reality 

Chest up thug .

Move along, 

world keep spinning,

eyes filling,

keep pushing,

Didn't realize then,

World falling apart,

now more than ever

Toxic fills my head 

Pain runs through my viens

The suffering my heart feels,

But you tell me it's all in my head,

time will pass

THIS TOO SHALL PASS ,

In Jesus name Amen .

Humans feel pain . It's not okay, 

But keep faith . 

Faith goes along way,

see the positive in every way .

And just hold on longer .

This life can't wait to take you out.

Don't let em. 

If you are wondering, 

Your life matters to me.

Me in this life, You in this life, This Life is for You & I.

Have you ever been driven by emotion.

 The depth of me shows when the inner me leaks.

The inner me leaks because I have been broken.

I picked the pieces up and I gave them to you.

You took the pieces of me and you broke them more. 

As I walked I walked over the pieces I gave you to see I’m shattered. 

I can tell that Im still here but I don’t belong.

The feeling of being lost, the feeling of being scattered. 

I see you but I see nothing.

When you see me you see nothing. 

I am in pieces,

Thoughts broken

Words ghostly

Breathing silently

Eyes wander

Heart taps

Feet wiggle

Muscles tense

Brain hurts

Eyes shut

Tragic

Tragedy

Wind blows

Sun shines

Moonlight 

Stars

Dark

Cold

The pieces fly

Boomerang back into my heart..

For I am Forever but the inner me bleeds

Flowing out my chest

Rapid heart beat

Slowly losing air

Silently gone

One blink two blinks

If only this was a dream

Would you put all the pieces back in order

Would you cherish every beat

If you could open your eyes and see what I see

Im waiting for you

Find the pieces

Gently, put them back together and fill me up forever. Don’t play with the pieces anymore. 

I am something like a trophy but more like a toolbox. 

Blueprint Forever Yours until you lose me.

Forever HD (In Leslie’s Eyes)

 Today was the worst day of my life

I woke up like any other day

But you didn’t

I went looking for you 

Cause you couldn’t come find me

But I got there and it was already too late

I yelled as my soul cried

Cause You wouldn’t get up

You no longer felt like you,

& that’s what I don’t understand.

You were cold,

And Alone . .

Your body was there but that didn’t seem like you . . 

Brother today I was 

Sad, I was

Confused . . 

I am sad & I’m confused still,

The sun shined,

The wind blew,

The rooster sung, 

& there was silence . . 

I knew then, 

your soul has left Us. . 

You Left Me .

If I had more time here with you,

Brother . .

I can’t have any more time with you . 

If I could re-wind the days just to see you again, walking again, smiling again, laughing again . 

I just want to hear voice again,

I just wanna hear you say wassup Less .

& I JUST WANNA SCREAM HAAMILTONN !

Just come home Hamilton . .

I miss you here, & I’m sorry . .

Hamilton you are my brother, 

how can I live my life without you .

My life will never be the same

The day I found you was the worst day of my life

We will never be the same..

Me & You Brother , we forever though. 

When I called you,

I didn’t know you couldn’t answer . 

You are my big brother, I thought you’d be okay. 

Why , why , why . . Why brother . 

I wake up everyday trying figure out another outcome in my head, my head spins,

I realize that no matter how many times I wake up, I picture you in my head there on the floor..

I can’t lift you up, your body is stuck, 

I’m not even sure was that you . . 

I never got to see your face . .

I find myself running, I gotta throw up . .

My brother you’re not coming back . .

As I walked through the two big doors,

I saw your casket and my heart dropped

Mom dropped, Dad dropped, Our brothers dropped,

This pain I’m feeling,

I feel cold, I feel hot,

Is this my life now ? 

I can’t picture it without you,

I couldn’t see you laying there,

This shit hurts, This is hard for me . .

What the actual fuck . 

You Are My Brother Forever ,

My life will never be the same . . 

-$B

Escape

 ESCAPE 

 Have you ever felt like you just needed to escape?

What would you need to do, to escape?

Interesting question . .

Listen,

I was so used to feeling numb,

It was so routine, Some shit happens..

How to understand It? that shit a little complicated at 14

I thought I was of age, turns out these girls was just 

so young & naive having babies. Babies having Babies huh..

But I didn't have a baby til 18 though,

Did I ever need to escape.. 

well maybe that's how I got into this situation..

I was young I didn't really have direction,

say what you want.. but kids see everything,

It's seems to me I been analyzing shit since my eyes opened, 

when I really started seeing how life was moving..

I seen shit I never should have, under circumstances,

MY life always been this way,

Forever going through some shit just cause that's how life go.

If I ever could just find a way to escape..

I tried it, Ever got to the top the wrong way, & 

you couldn't make it back down?

ehh, yeah I hit rock bottom

I fell so fast falling, falling & falling,

I was sitting on a cloud,

I just needed everybody to see me for me?

I needed somebody to love me..

I couldn't love myself,

I never saw anything to love,

You ever looked at yourself in the mirror ?

You not them pretty bitches,

the ones who got make-up everyday

w/ that booty they can't fit into them jeans.

I didn't have no curves,

I mean shit this heart though,

GOLD solid Gold,

but it never seems to shines.

I see it shining, but they can't,

they can't see me for me,

I just wanted to

get a little higher..

I just wanna be free..

this Pain , this Pain . .

I don't think you can feel the pain I FEEL..

I can't escape from it..

for this one moment it bleeds into these words..

I know what it's like to leave this world,

Here one second & Gone the next..

For a second you thought I was gone,

I found out who was for me and who wasn't,

Took me sometime and

 I found out what was for me 

and what wasn't,

I learned shit about me that I never knew,

My heart been broke since forever of time,

why did nobody ever notice me?

I been standing here this whole time,

I'm losing self and I'm crashing..

I'm calling and calling and you don't pick up?

My only question was at that moment,

Why me?

and why not me?

As the pain vanished and wind blew,

my soul turned blue,

My air was gone,

I couldn't breathe,

I couldn't feel anymore..

I seen all my loved ones,

But It was never my plan to go,

so I returned and sometimes,

I still want to Escape, 

this pain it never goes away..

but I'm a better Me.. Sincerely me

THE YOUNGEST

Vanished part 1

 I guess you spend your whole life looking back on memories, screen-shots..

Alot of the times, I come across pictures.

The times then, the world then, Life then..

It vanished. It's like it never existed.

If you could erase your past would You?

and would it be worth IT?

Life then, DO YOU MISS IT?

Do  you ever think about what could have been?

Sometimes I really think about IT..

I'm safe now,

I understand that I did not know,

I didn't know any better. I didn't know what was best for ME.

I never really had time to know myself,

only Because, I was too young, too naive to realize . .

I've Realized now that I never want my old life back.

I never really belonged there anyways..

I've FOUND Me.. and I where I stay now, Is WHERE I wanna Be.

-$.B.

E V E R Y T H I N G (Dedicated to Leslie)

Every-thing , every-body

Everything's so over rated

everything been takin over

what is everything to you

you are everything to me

but everything got you goin crazy

more than you can ever explain

everything and everybody

we don't need nobody

can we just not give a fuck about

EVERYTHING..

everything is so over rated

I just want you over everything

over everybody

But you goin crazy and it's takin over

I don't want to be just anything to you

Chose me over everything else. 

Let everybody go

but ME, hold on to me . .

cause when they go,

IMA BE the only one over everybody . .

on everything , I got You . . 

& I don't even have to explain .

my theory is, US before everything & everybody .

truly yours, $B.

the beginning of something new

 I thought that my thoughts are my writing and I should write my thoughts even If my grammar sucks. Before I started writing this my thoughts were full and now Ive come to writers block because my time well my time isnt just my time anymore.. maybe Ill try this again later. My baby has to go to sleep now.. well Ill be back before you know it than I can write more and more... til then, goodnight xoxo

If people would care more.

 Tomorrow would be a better day if only people could see the light through the clouds. 

Tomorrow could be a better day, If ONLY..

If only someone like you could see what the World could be..

IF YOU WERE DIFFERENT.

too many people in this world are dealing with the same broken heart but the problem here is,

people like you don't want to see what's in front of you..

people are easily blinded by what they think.

Maybe you should sit down and hear somebody's else's thoughts,

Your prospective might change.

TOMORROW COULD BE A BETTER DAY if you let it be.

sincerely S.B. 

p.s. I started dreaming again and it was the best thing that happened to me again.

Where am I?

Life hasn't been what I made it up to be,
I think maybe Im stuck ina tunnel,
I been tryna get out on that freeway,
Its been feeling like miles away.
Standing here in this stadium,
Can you hear me screaming,
How im so petrified, I didn't think Id flow,
A million tears & I cant decide,
I hope theyre comin,
Than again I can lay here in this attic,
Im here reminiscin,
What life was,
What it could be,
The ending or the beginning.
Where will I be in years from now,
Feeling like ima die in this dream

Somewhere

Somewhere in the sky

Through the clouds

When the rain falls

Sometimes the sun dont shine

I see your eyes

Full of so much love

Inside you feel like nothing has ever been right

Looking on out everything seems so bright

Never been to wise

But you feel so much love

Somewhere in the world

Two set of eyes connected

Like sipping fine wine

You get lost in the crowd

Never felt so alive

Everything feels so right

Til the night falls

Til the sun comes up

These walls got me locked

Im never gonna run

Im somewhere in the clouds

And Im never coming down

Only God knows why

My eyes so full of love

Til forever and more.

You didn't love me enough.
I thought i saw the stars blink twice.
But I believe it was all make believe.
I wanted you to love me like i never been loved before.
Silly of me to think you were capable of such a thought.
But i thought you were super human.
I thought i saw you fly across the moon.
But i believe i painted a picture of a dream.
Silly of me to think dreams come true.
But i just thought maybe you just didnt love me enough.
Youre just a thought in my mind that i cant see.
And im not a little girl, i know promises break, i know hearts break, and it's something you never get back. You never love the same twice.

2 years later .

Chocolate banana milkshake
2 cups milk, alot of ice, as much chocolate syrup as you like, blend on ice crush. And presto.
Whole wheat oven breast turkey, salami, Monterey cheese, Rana basil pesto, mayonnaise,  pepper. And done. Deli style Pretzels, cream cheese, artichoke and spinach hummus. Yeaaa i got my coffee in the back lol. Delicious :) #mommyveethechef