CHAOS

 Sometimes it feels like chaos,

Reaching from my childhood,

It comes out in my motherhood.

I don’t really understand how one day I woke up sad, not knowing joy in forever time. 

Just madness.

How do I teach my kids to smile when tears fall down my face.

I can’t let time go to waste,

I wish I could go back copy & paste .

But I feel nothing more than a disgrace.

Its a heavy feeling..my mood,

Is always up & down .

If only somebody understood Me.

I think about the future feeling hopeful,

Pour positivity into me,

I pray for guidance,

Strength,

Most of all Love..

I wanna feel love,

I wanna love my babies,

Forever.

And it sometimes it just feels like chaos. 

Forgive me, motherhood isn’t easy. 

But the joys of yous,

When I say yous..

I mean you my sons.

You are my forevers,

I wouldn’t change motherhood,

If I could go back, I’d change my childhood.

Chaos chaos chaos why do you follow me.

You don’t belong here anymore. -$B.

This Life is for You & I.

I just wouldn't be me If I didn't write.

If your wondering,

I'm a lot quieter now.

Have you ever heard of the saying 

Life Humbles You..

Life got a funny way of saying things

and a painful way of showing em.

Have you second guessing,

What is your purpose here .

This place here

It's shown me I'm here to stay,

While I'm watching loved ones leaving,

I question how I'm still here

Never for a second do I take my life for granted .

Neither should YOU,

You still here,

There's still purpose here .

For ME, for YOU . .

Let's hang in there when everything feels wrong ,

Let's express how we feel,

miscommunication,

What is communication,

ALOT of thing left unsaid,

Got my stomach with guilt,

So many things I wish I said,

The things I could of said..

Would it have made a difference

Sometimes we will never get the answers to our questions,

That's when the world feels unaligned, 

Things don't make sense,

Once again just questioning life at this point..

This can't be the end,

even though death sits on the corner,

tears sit in my eyes,

My mind stays in a fog.

Disbelief if you ask me,

This world is chaotic, insensitive, so unhuman

I don't think I belong here but maybe YOU are what the world needs..

Have you ever fought for peace and your sanity.

Prayed up, despite it..

Have you ever prayed for this not to be what it is you see . 

Can't make this up, I cannot sugar coat it

Not make believe, This is reality 

Chest up thug .

Move along, 

world keep spinning,

eyes filling,

keep pushing,

Didn't realize then,

World falling apart,

now more than ever

Toxic fills my head 

Pain runs through my viens

The suffering my heart feels,

But you tell me it's all in my head,

time will pass

THIS TOO SHALL PASS ,

In Jesus name Amen .

Humans feel pain . It's not okay, 

But keep faith . 

Faith goes along way,

see the positive in every way .

And just hold on longer .

This life can't wait to take you out.

Don't let em. 

If you are wondering, 

Your life matters to me.

Me in this life, You in this life, This Life is for You & I.

Have you ever been driven by emotion.

 The depth of me shows when the inner me leaks.

The inner me leaks because I have been broken.

I picked the pieces up and I gave them to you.

You took the pieces of me and you broke them more. 

As I walked I walked over the pieces I gave you to see I’m shattered. 

I can tell that Im still here but I don’t belong.

The feeling of being lost, the feeling of being scattered. 

I see you but I see nothing.

When you see me you see nothing. 

I am in pieces,

Thoughts broken

Words ghostly

Breathing silently

Eyes wander

Heart taps

Feet wiggle

Muscles tense

Brain hurts

Eyes shut

Tragic

Tragedy

Wind blows

Sun shines

Moonlight 

Stars

Dark

Cold

The pieces fly

Boomerang back into my heart..

For I am Forever but the inner me bleeds

Flowing out my chest

Rapid heart beat

Slowly losing air

Silently gone

One blink two blinks

If only this was a dream

Would you put all the pieces back in order

Would you cherish every beat

If you could open your eyes and see what I see

Im waiting for you

Find the pieces

Gently, put them back together and fill me up forever. Don’t play with the pieces anymore. 

I am something like a trophy but more like a toolbox. 

Blueprint Forever Yours until you lose me.

Forever HD (In Leslie’s Eyes)

 Today was the worst day of my life

I woke up like any other day

But you didn’t

I went looking for you 

Cause you couldn’t come find me

But I got there and it was already too late

I yelled as my soul cried

Cause You wouldn’t get up

You no longer felt like you,

& that’s what I don’t understand.

You were cold,

And Alone . .

Your body was there but that didn’t seem like you . . 

Brother today I was 

Sad, I was

Confused . . 

I am sad & I’m confused still,

The sun shined,

The wind blew,

The rooster sung, 

& there was silence . . 

I knew then, 

your soul has left Us. . 

You Left Me .

If I had more time here with you,

Brother . .

I can’t have any more time with you . 

If I could re-wind the days just to see you again, walking again, smiling again, laughing again . 

I just want to hear voice again,

I just wanna hear you say wassup Less .

& I JUST WANNA SCREAM HAAMILTONN !

Just come home Hamilton . .

I miss you here, & I’m sorry . .

Hamilton you are my brother, 

how can I live my life without you .

My life will never be the same

The day I found you was the worst day of my life

We will never be the same..

Me & You Brother , we forever though. 

When I called you,

I didn’t know you couldn’t answer . 

You are my big brother, I thought you’d be okay. 

Why , why , why . . Why brother . 

I wake up everyday trying figure out another outcome in my head, my head spins,

I realize that no matter how many times I wake up, I picture you in my head there on the floor..

I can’t lift you up, your body is stuck, 

I’m not even sure was that you . . 

I never got to see your face . .

I find myself running, I gotta throw up . .

My brother you’re not coming back . .

As I walked through the two big doors,

I saw your casket and my heart dropped

Mom dropped, Dad dropped, Our brothers dropped,

This pain I’m feeling,

I feel cold, I feel hot,

Is this my life now ? 

I can’t picture it without you,

I couldn’t see you laying there,

This shit hurts, This is hard for me . .

What the actual fuck . 

You Are My Brother Forever ,

My life will never be the same . . 

-$B

Escape

 ESCAPE 

 Have you ever felt like you just needed to escape?

What would you need to do, to escape?

Interesting question . .

Listen,

I was so used to feeling numb,

It was so routine, Some shit happens..

How to understand It? that shit a little complicated at 14

I thought I was of age, turns out these girls was just 

so young & naive having babies. Babies having Babies huh..

But I didn't have a baby til 18 though,

Did I ever need to escape.. 

well maybe that's how I got into this situation..

I was young I didn't really have direction,

say what you want.. but kids see everything,

It's seems to me I been analyzing shit since my eyes opened, 

when I really started seeing how life was moving..

I seen shit I never should have, under circumstances,

MY life always been this way,

Forever going through some shit just cause that's how life go.

If I ever could just find a way to escape..

I tried it, Ever got to the top the wrong way, & 

you couldn't make it back down?

ehh, yeah I hit rock bottom

I fell so fast falling, falling & falling,

I was sitting on a cloud,

I just needed everybody to see me for me?

I needed somebody to love me..

I couldn't love myself,

I never saw anything to love,

You ever looked at yourself in the mirror ?

You not them pretty bitches,

the ones who got make-up everyday

w/ that booty they can't fit into them jeans.

I didn't have no curves,

I mean shit this heart though,

GOLD solid Gold,

but it never seems to shines.

I see it shining, but they can't,

they can't see me for me,

I just wanted to

get a little higher..

I just wanna be free..

this Pain , this Pain . .

I don't think you can feel the pain I FEEL..

I can't escape from it..

for this one moment it bleeds into these words..

I know what it's like to leave this world,

Here one second & Gone the next..

For a second you thought I was gone,

I found out who was for me and who wasn't,

Took me sometime and

 I found out what was for me 

and what wasn't,

I learned shit about me that I never knew,

My heart been broke since forever of time,

why did nobody ever notice me?

I been standing here this whole time,

I'm losing self and I'm crashing..

I'm calling and calling and you don't pick up?

My only question was at that moment,

Why me?

and why not me?

As the pain vanished and wind blew,

my soul turned blue,

My air was gone,

I couldn't breathe,

I couldn't feel anymore..

I seen all my loved ones,

But It was never my plan to go,

so I returned and sometimes,

I still want to Escape, 

this pain it never goes away..

but I'm a better Me.. Sincerely me

THE YOUNGEST

Vanished part 1

 I guess you spend your whole life looking back on memories, screen-shots..

Alot of the times, I come across pictures.

The times then, the world then, Life then..

It vanished. It's like it never existed.

If you could erase your past would You?

and would it be worth IT?

Life then, DO YOU MISS IT?

Do  you ever think about what could have been?

Sometimes I really think about IT..

I'm safe now,

I understand that I did not know,

I didn't know any better. I didn't know what was best for ME.

I never really had time to know myself,

only Because, I was too young, too naive to realize . .

I've Realized now that I never want my old life back.

I never really belonged there anyways..

I've FOUND Me.. and I where I stay now, Is WHERE I wanna Be.

-$.B.

E V E R Y T H I N G (Dedicated to Leslie)

Every-thing , every-body

Everything's so over rated

everything been takin over

what is everything to you

you are everything to me

but everything got you goin crazy

more than you can ever explain

everything and everybody

we don't need nobody

can we just not give a fuck about

EVERYTHING..

everything is so over rated

I just want you over everything

over everybody

But you goin crazy and it's takin over

I don't want to be just anything to you

Chose me over everything else. 

Let everybody go

but ME, hold on to me . .

cause when they go,

IMA BE the only one over everybody . .

on everything , I got You . . 

& I don't even have to explain .

my theory is, US before everything & everybody .

truly yours, $B.

the beginning of something new

 I thought that my thoughts are my writing and I should write my thoughts even If my grammar sucks. Before I started writing this my thoughts were full and now Ive come to writers block because my time well my time isnt just my time anymore.. maybe Ill try this again later. My baby has to go to sleep now.. well Ill be back before you know it than I can write more and more... til then, goodnight xoxo

If people would care more.

 Tomorrow would be a better day if only people could see the light through the clouds. 

Tomorrow could be a better day, If ONLY..

If only someone like you could see what the World could be..

IF YOU WERE DIFFERENT.

too many people in this world are dealing with the same broken heart but the problem here is,

people like you don't want to see what's in front of you..

people are easily blinded by what they think.

Maybe you should sit down and hear somebody's else's thoughts,

Your prospective might change.

TOMORROW COULD BE A BETTER DAY if you let it be.

sincerely S.B. 

p.s. I started dreaming again and it was the best thing that happened to me again.

Where am I?

Life hasn't been what I made it up to be,
I think maybe Im stuck ina tunnel,
I been tryna get out on that freeway,
Its been feeling like miles away.
Standing here in this stadium,
Can you hear me screaming,
How im so petrified, I didn't think Id flow,
A million tears & I cant decide,
I hope theyre comin,
Than again I can lay here in this attic,
Im here reminiscin,
What life was,
What it could be,
The ending or the beginning.
Where will I be in years from now,
Feeling like ima die in this dream

Somewhere

Somewhere in the sky

Through the clouds

When the rain falls

Sometimes the sun dont shine

I see your eyes

Full of so much love

Inside you feel like nothing has ever been right

Looking on out everything seems so bright

Never been to wise

But you feel so much love

Somewhere in the world

Two set of eyes connected

Like sipping fine wine

You get lost in the crowd

Never felt so alive

Everything feels so right

Til the night falls

Til the sun comes up

These walls got me locked

Im never gonna run

Im somewhere in the clouds

And Im never coming down

Only God knows why

My eyes so full of love

Til forever and more.

You didn't love me enough.
I thought i saw the stars blink twice.
But I believe it was all make believe.
I wanted you to love me like i never been loved before.
Silly of me to think you were capable of such a thought.
But i thought you were super human.
I thought i saw you fly across the moon.
But i believe i painted a picture of a dream.
Silly of me to think dreams come true.
But i just thought maybe you just didnt love me enough.
Youre just a thought in my mind that i cant see.
And im not a little girl, i know promises break, i know hearts break, and it's something you never get back. You never love the same twice.

2 years later .

Chocolate banana milkshake
2 cups milk, alot of ice, as much chocolate syrup as you like, blend on ice crush. And presto.
Whole wheat oven breast turkey, salami, Monterey cheese, Rana basil pesto, mayonnaise,  pepper. And done. Deli style Pretzels, cream cheese, artichoke and spinach hummus. Yeaaa i got my coffee in the back lol. Delicious :) #mommyveethechef

if i knew than what i now know..

LOVE ENDLESSLY...
Slowly eat cha up.
wide open, mindless to what is down there.
As you see, You have not seen what happend down there.
you lose, you completely let go, the friction, you tear down, get up determined.
GONNA MAKE IT DOWN THERE.
But you feel a hand, she's pulling back..
keep trying, cant go far.
There is no way, just not going there..
what were you thinking..?
 Ssh Lil girl..
"I promise I wont ever"
PROMISE BROKEN.
"I didnt mean to, I wont again"
BROKEN PROMISE.
"Im in love, your my first love, Ill never let go"
PROMISE BROKE.

Your mind slowly ate away. Your memory faded. Your self esteem corrupted. Wide open, fed with pathetic bullshit. Cried your eyes out. TAKEN FOR GRANTED. Lied to. Oh breathe, SLAPPED, KICKED, SHUVED, PULLED, YANKED, THROWN. This is real, This is blindness. Sugar coat you, Rip your soul out.. This just isnt you.

The unbreakable,
The unbearable,
Eat cha self away..
I, No need to speak.
BUT, you better.

YOU. Open your eyes, close yourself, reopen, somebody who use to be you...
I DONT KNOW WHO I AM LIVING WITH.
I dont even understand me.
Myself, I ate myself away.

THE UNBREAKABLE.
THE UNBEARABLE.
Everything she took it,
ate me away.

Chose the apple, took a bite, let me rot away. In the trash now, took what you wanted.
A piece of me, I just don't see anymore.

This is my home. This is me empty. Here I lay forever. Pieces of me, Ill never see. Ripped my heart out.

I been down that road, I am at the end.
The end to everything I use to be.
I dont live there anymore.

I am somewhere sunny.
I am growing strong.
Someday youll see, youll miss me.

There was a night sky, the moon shined.
The clouds came, It poured for nights.

Than one day there I was,
my seeds planted, I GREW.

 I never knew somebody so real. He loves me, he broke me, took out the best of me, put it in the ground..

I bloomed, A pretty apple tree.
Im never gonna stop rising.

I HAVE FOUND MY HOME.
THIS IS MY GROUND.
LOVE ME ENDLESSLY..

If I knew then what I now know..
It just wouldnt be me..
.$B

many DIE young

Many of us die young, half of us don't care..
It's everyday life, why have sympathy..?
maybe that's today's problem, our generation has no remorse.

And I ask myself what is wrong with the world..
where does love exist, In this world the young has never seen a love so blind,
the trials of tribulation is which we speak of, the thoughts of the dead..

Peace there is none, not even when you sleep..
keep one eye open, always keep an eye out ,
they lurkin', they ready, and they comin for you.

They dont care
They dont want to know

It aint fair
And never let it show

ya can preach but he never hears ya.

who do you turn to?
Is anybody listening?

Nobody really cares
Livin by the motto Me against the world
& It's never been a problem..

But as you see that's my number one problem,
nobody got my back, I'm steady actin back..

talk is cheap, nobody gives a fuck
Money is motivation..

we respect the hustle,
I'm comin out of the struggle..

the ghetto aint gonn love me nomore
unless I give back, I'll never turn back

I know where I came from,
and I know who still here..

And that's none of you..

My momma and My daddy don't give a fuck,
It's always been them
never been bout us

My brotha, My Sista, My brotha, My brotha..
where they at now

It's ME, & I've seen many die young..
they don't give a fuck,
and I don't give a fuck,
ssho' dont expect you to give a fuck,
I have no sympathy..

yeah many die young

what If you are one..

what If I am one..

Does that make me sympathetic, Does It?
can't let affection show
Livin by the motto, Love will get you killed
I show no love

Am I crazy, Do I own issues..
I'm owning up,
I testify as guilty..

I am only human
constantly walkin around
makin decisions on temporary feelins'
one word can be the wrong word
It could be the last time

the last time I ever see you
I hope I leave you with the impression
I only wanted what was best,

Does my story tell you,
Does my description amuse you,
Does my looks,
Does my words,
Do I impress you?

I might leave you confused.
what is this really about?

I need you to care, I need you to see,
I am alone, I'm fightin my human feelings,
and they comin for me..

They wanna take all I got,
They wanna break me,
They wanna destroy me,

& I know

If you makin It,
They gonn' want ya to fall..

They wanna drown you..
They gonn' watch you sink..

I won't DIE YOUNG..
cause many die young..

& I seen
& I saw them sitting right there..
& they had nothing to speak of..

They knew someone
They died young

whole life flashes before your eyes,
you never did enough,
you wish you did some different,
you never imagined,
she'd walk away,
you never imagined,
he'd walk away,

the day they passed the light,
they went down that tunnel..

That's the day you care,
That's the dayyou have sympathy,

That's your problem.

Never gave a shit but now they gone and you wishin they can come back..

Get back, Get gone, I'm dying alone.

-$.B. -$prinkz

A letter to my unborn.

I promise to You, I'll be a better Mommy than my mom ever was. I promise to You, I'll be a better Daddy than my dad ever was. I promise to give myself a chance to raise you right without thinking of how wrong of mother I can become. I promise to give your father chances even when I see him doing wrong and giving up. For the sake of You, I promise to try. You came into this universe, my life, & the man who help create you, his life as well.. Not planned, UN-expected, As a surprise. There wasn't need to cry, There was no need to blame, This is life, You are life. The only thing to be, Is happy, To be blessed with an angel. To help you grow, & guide you to take your first breath, your first step, & Walk besides you as your guardians to watch you fly. God has created a plan for you. I was chosen to carry you, love you, protect you in this world & live life for you til you can. I will do my duties that I am destined to do. For you I will. I have a chance to live my life differently, I have a chance to see another outcome of life, I have the opportunity to do everything my parents didn't do. I have many flaws my child, I am not a role model for you, But I will teach you the value of trying your hardest, & the struggle of life. I will be by your side til the very end of time. In this life my child we do not need an Idol, Or want to be like someone, You are you own person & In time will become yourself & when you do, Never forget to love yourself unconditionally because we are made of sin, & we can never reach perfect but we can reach our best. And that is everything that God asks for. Whoever you become, I will love you regardless, I will accept you, & I will never deny you my child. Never worry about being scared to show me who you are. Because for my whole life I have never been accepted. I never want you to feel like your me. My little boy I hope you love me. ♥

-$B.

What hurts the most.

"You know how you say that when your doing something,

 It's your life? Your business? & If It's not hurting us physically we shouldn't care.

But you know how they say everything around us doesn't affects us? You shouldn't believe that.
Cause haven't you heard? We feel everything, And It makes a difference In our lives."

When someone we love Is injecting a foreign chemical or Inhaling pollution into there body.

It's something their body Is fighting to remain at a normal being.

"What makes you do It? Why Is It okay? What do you feel?"

What Is the difference between being lost In a world closer to the devil,

Than being here a step closer to God and Heaven.
& I know It seems like he's killing us slowly, But God his plans for us, Paradise.

& When your high lost In your world, Your lost In mine, & I can't find the real you.
You change, You seem a lot different, And I don't understand why you're acting that way.
You use to be
 my friend, my lover,
 my sister, my brother,
 my mommy, my daddy,
 my aunty, my uncle,
 my grandma, my grandpa..
& Now you've became a stranger In my life.
Why do you leave? I hardly see you anymore, I mean I know you're right In front of me,
And we're spending time, But It's hard to you see you, You really don't seem like you.
Sometimes I talk to God,
"Please Lord, help him, help her, She needs & He needs to find her way back on home to me. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen"

I really miss you, I'm starting to think you hate me, Cause you never wanna be here, & your starting to forget a lot of things, Sometimes when you talk to me, You think I'm somebody else..
I think I'm starting to fade away, I guess you feel like It's better than me..
I can't seem to make you happy, I'm not really satisfying to you.
I feel worthless, I feel like nothing to you, & I don't understand why you don't love me enough.  

"You don't really understand the concept of how much you're hurting us. & It really kills us.
Your being selfish, I guess you really don't love us.."

(Dedicated to all the people who hurt over loved ones suffering from drug & alcohol addictions.)
-$prinkz

QUOTES #2

In life there are no limits to how far you reach, shoot for the unreachable. Every dream can turn into reality. -$B

Dream colors, Live Brightly, Open your eyes to all possible options. -$B

Get off the train and walk away. -$B

quotes. #one

The best feeling In the world Is knowing that you mean something to someone.

Love Comes In Every Color, & Every Form. There Is No True Meaning When You Love Someone You Love Someone With No Explanation, You Can Try To Explain But It'll Never Make Any Sense..
 Children Make The World Go 'Round. Without Them Love Wouldn't Exist.-$B

Be Free, Be Who You Are. Stand Up For Yourself. Speak The Things That Come To Your Mind. & Don't Back Down, Don't Hide. Show Yourself, Love Yourself, Respect Yourself. Be Profound, Be Intelligent. You Can Be Anything You Want To Be..                                                                          My Child You Are Free, Speak Your Peace & Love Who You Become. -$B

On the coldest day, It will rain.. On the craziest day,  You're going to want to walk away.
A view, It can set your mind at peace, It Can revitalize you.. Embrace your freedom. -$B

Why does their opinion matter?